on being still.

"Be still, and know that I am God." 

Psalm 46:10

As I've already pointed out a few times, I've been in the process of moving this past month. To be honest, I didn't think moving affected me very much. Yes, I had those moments when I would shout out, "I HATE packing!" or something similar. But when everyone else was venting, frustrated, and all worked up, I was calm. I turned up my music and continued to pack up my room. So, of course, I thought I was handling it pretty well.

Then Monday happened- the day after the culmination of the entire weekend events when we were all hot, tired, sweaty, and trying to pack and move and clean at once. That combined with rental issues and waking up to emails from the parents about job suggestions began to wear me down.

I didn't snap. I didn't have a meltdown. It just all slowly worked me down to the point where I had zero patience and zero tolerance for everything and everybody. I even told my coworker about it and felt the need to point out that this was not me. I gave a very serious lecture to a student about how he needed to get his act together, something I've never done before. I didn't take time to listen to people's complaints and issues like I normally do. I sent them off with a flippant, "Good luck with that." Anything anyone did, didn't do, said, or didn't say got to me. I was angry and frustrated.

Then today came. Today was the first day that I didn't have to pack, move, or clean anything. I handed over the keys to our house, and I felt free. It was after that that I was able to be still long enough to realize what had happened to me the last few days. And I was finally able to spend time with the Lord, something I desperately needed.

The Lord broke through my emotional storm and showed me just what the past few days had done to me. I had stopped talking to Him because I was so consumed about moving and getting things done, and all of this stuff had overtaken my relationship with Him. I was no longer trusting Him to provide and to work everything out like he's been so faithful to do all of this time. I was no longer resting in Him.

It's something I've also known, that I need to spend time with God. And up until last Friday, I had been doing a lot better with it, especially in my heart. It wasn't a daily, constant thing and far from perfect, but it was something I had been working on. This weekend completely upended all of that, and I let the busyness of life overtake me as it so often does.

So I guess I'm writing all of this as a reminder to myself. While being productive and efficient is a good thing, time with the Lord is an even better thing; it is essential. I may think I'm doing okay and handling everything well, but I'm not. I need Jesus. I need Him constantly. Being still before Him, conversing with Him, listening to Him-- I need that every hour of every day.