Me and Elijah

I recently listened to a sermon by Tim Keller called "The Still, Small Voice," and it was quite convicting (so much so that I'm listening to it again as I write).

Keller preaches on 1 King 19:1-18 where Elijah flees to Mount Horeb because his plan didn't work. Elijah was convinced  Ahab and Jezebel would repent or the people would throw their leaders out, but that did not happen; instead, Jezebel threatens to kill him, completely unrepentant. So Elijah runs away downcast.

 The reason Elijah is downcast is because he puts God in a box.

"Elijah thought This is the plan...God has to overthrow Ahab and Jezebel now; he either has to overthrow them spiritually... or overthrow them physically. And now he is despondent because here's why: God has not let him down; his plan has let him down, and he identified God with his plan." - Tim Keller

With my plan to go to South Sudan not happening (as of now), this struck a chord in me because that's the thing: It's my plan. And while deciding to go to South Sudan had me feeling like I was running towards the Lord for the first time in months, it was still my idea, my agenda.

The longer the unrest in South Sudan continues, the more I've prayed and begged God to let me go somewhere overseas even if it wasn't in Africa. After all, how could God not honor my desire to go overseas and show children His love?! Not only that, but people have been so generous in their giving that the idea of sending the checks back to them is flat out depressing.

However, this sermon made me realize that I am no different than Elijah. I've put God in a box and put parameters on how I want Him to work in my life, and I've become depressed because the plan hasn't worked out.

So even though I am still bringing my desire to go overseas before the Lord, I am trying to lift the box that I've put on the Him and be open to where he leads me-- be it here or in another country.

...

     "What, then, would the effect be if we were to dive even more deeply into Jesus's teaching and life and work? What if we were to be so immersed in his promises and summonses, his counsels and encouragements, that they dominated our inner life, capturing our imagination, and simply bubbled out spontaneously when we faced some challenge? How would we live if we instinctively, almost unconsciously, knew Jesus's mind and heart regarding things that confronted us? When you received criticism, you would never be crushed, because Jesus's love and acceptance of you is so deeply "in there." When you gave criticism, you would be gentle and patient, because your whole inner world would be saturated by a sense of of Jesus's loving patience and gentleness with you.
     This does not mean that every time you are criticized you are consciously, deliberately thinking, "What does Jesus have to say about this?" You won't have to think like that, because if Jesus and his Word are so deeply in there, they will fortify you, lifting you up. They will be part of you. You look at yourself through his eyes; you look at the world through his eyes. It becomes the cast of your whole mind."

- Tim Keller, The Meaning of Marriage

on being still.

"Be still, and know that I am God." 

Psalm 46:10

As I've already pointed out a few times, I've been in the process of moving this past month. To be honest, I didn't think moving affected me very much. Yes, I had those moments when I would shout out, "I HATE packing!" or something similar. But when everyone else was venting, frustrated, and all worked up, I was calm. I turned up my music and continued to pack up my room. So, of course, I thought I was handling it pretty well.

Then Monday happened- the day after the culmination of the entire weekend events when we were all hot, tired, sweaty, and trying to pack and move and clean at once. That combined with rental issues and waking up to emails from the parents about job suggestions began to wear me down.

I didn't snap. I didn't have a meltdown. It just all slowly worked me down to the point where I had zero patience and zero tolerance for everything and everybody. I even told my coworker about it and felt the need to point out that this was not me. I gave a very serious lecture to a student about how he needed to get his act together, something I've never done before. I didn't take time to listen to people's complaints and issues like I normally do. I sent them off with a flippant, "Good luck with that." Anything anyone did, didn't do, said, or didn't say got to me. I was angry and frustrated.

Then today came. Today was the first day that I didn't have to pack, move, or clean anything. I handed over the keys to our house, and I felt free. It was after that that I was able to be still long enough to realize what had happened to me the last few days. And I was finally able to spend time with the Lord, something I desperately needed.

The Lord broke through my emotional storm and showed me just what the past few days had done to me. I had stopped talking to Him because I was so consumed about moving and getting things done, and all of this stuff had overtaken my relationship with Him. I was no longer trusting Him to provide and to work everything out like he's been so faithful to do all of this time. I was no longer resting in Him.

It's something I've also known, that I need to spend time with God. And up until last Friday, I had been doing a lot better with it, especially in my heart. It wasn't a daily, constant thing and far from perfect, but it was something I had been working on. This weekend completely upended all of that, and I let the busyness of life overtake me as it so often does.

So I guess I'm writing all of this as a reminder to myself. While being productive and efficient is a good thing, time with the Lord is an even better thing; it is essential. I may think I'm doing okay and handling everything well, but I'm not. I need Jesus. I need Him constantly. Being still before Him, conversing with Him, listening to Him-- I need that every hour of every day. 

{another} apology and a reminder.

sorry for the absence (again). between work, school, student government, and the English honors society things have been pretty hectic around here. but as stressed and busy as I am, I love it. and yet at the same time I was reminded tonight that life is more than just existing. it is more than just going from one thing to the next and trying to survive (which is often my mentality). I was reminded that when I put things before the Lord (i.e. schoolwork) that it is idolatry (which I seem to do every. day.). and yes I realize and I know I need to work on this and on spending more time with Lord and being more disciplined about it. but more importantly I was reminded to rest in Jesus. that I need to rest in his love, his grace, his forgiveness, his work on the cross. and that is the best reminder of all.

I'm off to the mountains this weekend to go camping with six of my lovely friends. if you think about it, pray for us will you? and have a wonderful weekend.

resting in Him,

anna

a sad (but good) reminder.

tonight I got online and saw a friend had posted this link. I clicked on it and before I knew it, I am sitting in the middle of my floor crying for people I don't even know. I've just spent a wonderful evening with my family, all of whom are still living, and these people are grieving. I cannot even begin to imagine. it is a huge reality check. life is so fleeting and so many people are hurting and 99% of the time all I do is think about myself. it makes me so sad.

so even though I don't even know these people and even though they will never read this, I want to thank them for reminding me to love others (aka stop thinking about myself so much). but more importantly for reminding me that God is sovereign and that even when we are hurting and we don't understand He is the God of all comfort and He will give us peace.