checking in

At the beginning of this year I made the obligatory new's years resolution list, and I thought it would be fun to do an update/progress report.

1. Vary my reading. I've failed the most at this one so far. To be honest, in Africa, I was never in the mood for anything but fiction. However, I did read a lot in Africa, so I feel like I made up for this resolution in a sense. I read more in Africa than I have in a while, partly because there was nothing else to do and partly because I rediscovered my love for it which I'm excited about. I was able to check off a few classics that I had never read and felt that I should as an English graduate. A Tale of Two Cities, Emma, and North and South just to name a few...

2. Go overseas. Check, check, check! Five months in Africa, and while it wasn't all fun and games, it was an amazing experience and there are days when I miss it a lot.

3. Read through the Bible. I really want to go ahead and check this one off because I'm still plugging away at my Bible reading program, and I feel that since I've made it this far I have a pretty good chance of finishing it. Right now I'm making my way through some minor prophets, Isaiah, 2 Kings, and 2 Chronicles. I love it, and I hope to make reading through the Bible a yearly habit.

4. Be healthier. Wellllll, if you disregard the fact that I haven't exercised in almost two months and just ate some potato chips and a few handfuls of chocolate chips (along with a bunch of other unhealthy stuff the last two months), then you could say I've done okay with this one. In Africa I was very healthy because I walked everywhere and had a limited selection of food and very few sweets. To be honest, that's one of the things I miss most about the place-- especially the walking part. But I'm hoping to bounce back from these last two months and get into a routine once I get settled (more on that part later).

Here's to the rest of 2014 and checking more resolutions off this list!

Me and Elijah

I recently listened to a sermon by Tim Keller called "The Still, Small Voice," and it was quite convicting (so much so that I'm listening to it again as I write).

Keller preaches on 1 King 19:1-18 where Elijah flees to Mount Horeb because his plan didn't work. Elijah was convinced  Ahab and Jezebel would repent or the people would throw their leaders out, but that did not happen; instead, Jezebel threatens to kill him, completely unrepentant. So Elijah runs away downcast.

 The reason Elijah is downcast is because he puts God in a box.

"Elijah thought This is the plan...God has to overthrow Ahab and Jezebel now; he either has to overthrow them spiritually... or overthrow them physically. And now he is despondent because here's why: God has not let him down; his plan has let him down, and he identified God with his plan." - Tim Keller

With my plan to go to South Sudan not happening (as of now), this struck a chord in me because that's the thing: It's my plan. And while deciding to go to South Sudan had me feeling like I was running towards the Lord for the first time in months, it was still my idea, my agenda.

The longer the unrest in South Sudan continues, the more I've prayed and begged God to let me go somewhere overseas even if it wasn't in Africa. After all, how could God not honor my desire to go overseas and show children His love?! Not only that, but people have been so generous in their giving that the idea of sending the checks back to them is flat out depressing.

However, this sermon made me realize that I am no different than Elijah. I've put God in a box and put parameters on how I want Him to work in my life, and I've become depressed because the plan hasn't worked out.

So even though I am still bringing my desire to go overseas before the Lord, I am trying to lift the box that I've put on the Him and be open to where he leads me-- be it here or in another country.

on being still.

"Be still, and know that I am God." 

Psalm 46:10

As I've already pointed out a few times, I've been in the process of moving this past month. To be honest, I didn't think moving affected me very much. Yes, I had those moments when I would shout out, "I HATE packing!" or something similar. But when everyone else was venting, frustrated, and all worked up, I was calm. I turned up my music and continued to pack up my room. So, of course, I thought I was handling it pretty well.

Then Monday happened- the day after the culmination of the entire weekend events when we were all hot, tired, sweaty, and trying to pack and move and clean at once. That combined with rental issues and waking up to emails from the parents about job suggestions began to wear me down.

I didn't snap. I didn't have a meltdown. It just all slowly worked me down to the point where I had zero patience and zero tolerance for everything and everybody. I even told my coworker about it and felt the need to point out that this was not me. I gave a very serious lecture to a student about how he needed to get his act together, something I've never done before. I didn't take time to listen to people's complaints and issues like I normally do. I sent them off with a flippant, "Good luck with that." Anything anyone did, didn't do, said, or didn't say got to me. I was angry and frustrated.

Then today came. Today was the first day that I didn't have to pack, move, or clean anything. I handed over the keys to our house, and I felt free. It was after that that I was able to be still long enough to realize what had happened to me the last few days. And I was finally able to spend time with the Lord, something I desperately needed.

The Lord broke through my emotional storm and showed me just what the past few days had done to me. I had stopped talking to Him because I was so consumed about moving and getting things done, and all of this stuff had overtaken my relationship with Him. I was no longer trusting Him to provide and to work everything out like he's been so faithful to do all of this time. I was no longer resting in Him.

It's something I've also known, that I need to spend time with God. And up until last Friday, I had been doing a lot better with it, especially in my heart. It wasn't a daily, constant thing and far from perfect, but it was something I had been working on. This weekend completely upended all of that, and I let the busyness of life overtake me as it so often does.

So I guess I'm writing all of this as a reminder to myself. While being productive and efficient is a good thing, time with the Lord is an even better thing; it is essential. I may think I'm doing okay and handling everything well, but I'm not. I need Jesus. I need Him constantly. Being still before Him, conversing with Him, listening to Him-- I need that every hour of every day. 

some thoughts.

{a sunrise from outside of my window.}

Lately I've been bombarded with a lot of different thoughts. They came at the end of a hard night, and they followed me for many hard nights after. 

I was never promised an easy life, and in comparison my life is much easier than most. But lately I've just been so completely drained and exhausted spiritually. I will be the first to admit that I struggle with a lot of things, and I sin just as much if not more than the next person. So far be it from me to point fingers. 

That being said, where are the people who are truly following Christ? Where are the people who are earnestly trying to repent-- who are getting accountability, who are going to a pastor and/or elder if need be, who truly desire to be still and know God. And let me never forget that I don't do all of these thing perfectly, especially the last one. But I feel as if that is missing from our world today, from my generation specifically. Everyone I know has a million things to do and no time to do them. Have we so easily forgotten God's commandment to be still and know Him? To not worry about tomorrow? To trust solely in Him and lean not on our own understanding?  I see more and more people frequently forgetting these commandments, and it saddens me. 

That's not to deny peoples' struggles and sin. But should we not be working towards this, reminding others of this, and helping others in this? Are we not called to share one another's burdens and point them to Jesus? 

I guess all of this is just to say is that I want that for my generation, because lately I have seen less and less of it. It's frustrating, and I let it get to me. I shouldn't, but I do. And that is something I need to work on. But if anything I think it is frustration stemming from sadness-- from a burden to see my friends walk with Jesus, to know him and find peace in him. I want to see people pointing others to Christ and passionately pursuing him, because Jesus is the only thing that will ever matter. He should be our primary focus, our only love, our soul's desire.

a confession.

I may or may not be listening to christmas music and dreaming of putting up a tree with white lights and presents all around. I don't want to wish my life away, but I just really want christmas time.

also, at my internship this morning I told the editors that my brain wasn't really there. (I was tired okay?!) but I realize in retrospect that that probably wasn't the best thing to say.

this is just to say.

I was going to get my sleep schedule back on track after sleeping through five alarms this morning, but it's almost 12:30 in the morning and I'm still up.

I know that biting my nails looks very unlady-like and unprofessional but I'm sitting here biting them anyway.

I wish pimples went away after you turned twenty.

I cut myself off from shopping this month, but that doesn't mean come august 1st I'm heading back to tj maxx to buy the really cute sweater and $15 kenneth cole bag I saw today.

I really love shopping.

I'm getting a little too excited about decorating my soon-to-be house.

I keep saying I'm going to eat healthier, but just ate a ridiculous amount of nestle's chocolate brownies as well as three cupcakes in the past twenty four hours.


I really love cupcakes too.

learning to walk in the rain.

Sometimes you need to walk in the rain to let go. You can let go of the moment when you walk into a store and are assaulted with memories of your parents. The moment that you are forced to hold back tears while you ache to see them or simply hear their voice.  You can let go of the ever pressing question of why? Why don’t things turn out the way you want them to? Why are you where you are? What is your purpose? You can let go of these questions and simply walk. Walk through the rain.

Sometimes you need to walk in the rain because it is in that moment that everything is okay. It is a moment when all of the sad thoughts and torment you went through the day before wash away, albeit temporarily. You feel free. You feel like everything that was weighing you down has been lifted. You feel as if all is right in the world—the earth is still spinning, the rain is still coming, and everything is okay.

This rain, this storm—it is your life right now. So why not walk? Walk and let go. Let go of the sadness and the fear and the torment. Let go of the pressing questions and the feeling of small insignificance.

Let the rain wash all of it away. And remember. Remember that this storm will not last forever. A day will come when you don’t have to walk in the rain, but rather you will walk in the sun. Because the sun will come just as the rain did. The earth is still spinning, the rain is still coming, but the sun is coming too. So for now, in this moment, walk in the rain. Let go. And smile with the knowledge that the sun is coming.

I've got nothing.

I want to write something. I really do. This whole week it has crossed my that I haven't updated my poor neglected blog except once. But in all truth, there isn't much to tell. There isn't much to say. I keep racking my brain hoping something good will come to the surface and this is the best that I get: 1. I've gotten only five hours of sleep every night this week, which means my eyes are constantly red and I look terrible. 2. I've been in a constant state of stress. 3. I found a piece of muscle (I really think it was a cow artery. or maybe pig.) in my lunch on Wednesday and promptly flipped out and started crying (I blame it on 1 & 2). 4. I made a complete idiot of myself all day Wednesday. but let's not talk about it.

so basically, I've got nothing.

but this week wasn't all bad. there were some good moments in there too. like the beginning of the week when I was still on fall break and got to spend time with my family. or when I celebrated my roommate's birthday thursday night. and when I got the skirt I've been wanting for forever and a couple of other things at my store and only spent $8 (and saved $110!).

so despite the stress, the tiredness, and everything else there is still some good in there. and through all the ups and downs god is there. and he is good. and in spite of it all, I'm still thankful. thankful for this wonderful, crazy life I lead.

everything will be ok.

I was sitting at the table and it hit me. All of the sudden, out of the blue, I just wanted to cry. I wanted to break down right then and there for half of the school to see. I finally had a chance to stop and breathe and it all caught up with me. The lack of sleep, the overwhelming realization of everything I had to do, the running around from one place to another with no end in sight. I felt like I couldn’t do it anymore. I didn’t want to do it anymore. I wanted to run and hide and sleep until it was all over. I felt like a complete and utter failure. Because in all honesty it’s my own doing, this breakdown. I brought it upon myself with my procrastination and lack of discipline. So really, I have no room to complain and cry. But I wanted to so badly.

But it’s a good thing, this life that I live. Stress and breakdowns included. Because God is good. And it’s by him and through him that I can do all things. Even in the midst of all of the stress and worry that life brings, He is good. He is in control. He is faithful. He is love. And I cannot lose sight of that.

So just when I feel like I can’t take any more I just have to remind myself that it’s all going to be ok. That’s what I need to remember. It’s all ok. Life is good. God is great. And everything will be ok.

He sat across from her with a slight smile on his face, listening while she talked about her hopes, her dreams, her day. He sipped his coffee and took a bite of pastry and continued to listen, completely fixated on what she had to say and unaware of anything or anyone else. She talked. He listened.

Whether they’ve been married for two years or ten, I don’t know. But the way he looked at her made me smile. To have that relationship, that person who will just sit across from you and smile. Smile simply because they are happy to be there, with you. Smile simply because out of all of the people in the world they have found the one person that they want to sit with and listen to for the rest of their life. To share those late night dates in a coffee shop and share their pastries. And share their lives. Together.

It’s hard to imagine isn’t it? To be able to find someone who, in spite of knowing all of your quirks and flaws, still loves you. They love you. They want to and chose to spend the rest of their life with you. To have someone who will love you so completely and so fully. The idea is hard to grasp.

And no, it’s not all going to be perfect. There are going to be hard times and selfish moments. But there are also going to be good time, great times even and moments of selflessness. And even though there are moments of imperfection, even throughout the whole roller coaster, that person will still be there. Will still choose to be there and want to be there even at the end of it all. To have a person, that after the hard times and selfish moments, can come back and apologize and/or forgive. To have that person who can come to you and say “I’m sorry” or “I forgive you” and immediately follow with the words “And I still love you.”

It’s a difficult concept to grasp, no? And you wonder. You wonder if you will ever find it, ever have it. And a part of you wonders if you ever can. Because you know your faults. You know your shortcomings and that you are far, far from perfect. But who knows? Because that’s the beauty of it. That person will see your faults and shortcomings and imperfections, and still say I want her. I choose her. I love her. Despite all of what you see, they see a person who they know isn’t perfect but still thinks is perfect for them.

Will I ever find that? I don’t know. Do I want to? Maybe. There is the selfish, insecure part of me that never wants to. I want to be able to go and do and see what I want and not have to share or answer to anyone. I also don’t want to open up, to be vulnerable. To have that kind of relationship that that couple seemed to have, or a lot of couples have for that matter, requires so much vulnerability. And if I’m honest, really honest, I have to admit that I’m scared. Scared to open up, to be vulnerable, to risk giving my heart and love to someone who can and will hurt me.

But that’s the beauty of it. You have to take a risk. You have to be able to step out on that ledge. And then, and only then, will you have that relationship. You will have that person. That person who will laugh with you and fight with you and cry with you. And at the end of it all, after all the emotions, the ups and downs, the good time and bad times, they will still look at you and say I still love you.

Will I ever find that? I don’t know. But by goodness, if I ever do, if I ever find that person who knows everything about me and can still look at me and say I love you, I will be forever awed and thankful.

fall is coming!

I stepped outside this morning dressed in shorts and a tshirt, on my way to the gym, and it hit me. cold air. and it made me smile. and I smiled big. because with that cold air comes so many things. with it comes scarves, tights, coats, and hats. hot chai and soup. blankets and afternoons curled up with them on the couch. leaves changing and the promise of many cool mornings to come. halloween and birthdays and the beginning of the best time of year. fall. oh how I love fall.

an apology and other randomness.

sorry for the absence the past few days. but honestly, between working and reading not much exciting is happening around here. other than that I'm GOING TO THE BEACH TOMORROW!! after I work from 7 AM- 11 AM. why did I say I would? I don't know. I should probably be in bed. but I'm not. but other than that, not too much is going on. the most "exciting" thing that probably happened was that my mom shrunk my favorite shirt and I proceeded to act like a five year old and have a fit. not one of my finer moments. probably shouldn't mention it but that's honesty for you. :) (the good news was that I was able to find the same shirt so yay for that!) but for now I'm going to go eat a cookie (even thought I shouldn't since I'll be in a bathing suit for the next seven days. yikes.) and then go to bed. and I'll try to blog at the beach but no promises. I am on vacation after all. :)

and because every post is better with a picture...

have a lovely weekend/week!

something worth sharing...

I found this on another blog and thought it was so good that it was worth sharing. I love it.

Date a Girl Who Reads by Rosemarie Urquico

Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.

Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag. She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow.

She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.

Buy her another cup of coffee.

Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.

It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas, and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by God, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.

Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.

Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilight series.

If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.

You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

Or better yet, date a girl who writes.

a sad (but good) reminder.

tonight I got online and saw a friend had posted this link. I clicked on it and before I knew it, I am sitting in the middle of my floor crying for people I don't even know. I've just spent a wonderful evening with my family, all of whom are still living, and these people are grieving. I cannot even begin to imagine. it is a huge reality check. life is so fleeting and so many people are hurting and 99% of the time all I do is think about myself. it makes me so sad.

so even though I don't even know these people and even though they will never read this, I want to thank them for reminding me to love others (aka stop thinking about myself so much). but more importantly for reminding me that God is sovereign and that even when we are hurting and we don't understand He is the God of all comfort and He will give us peace.

on my days off...

I don't know what to do with myself. I really don't. on the one hand, I feel like I should be able to be completely lazy and do nothing because I work every other day. but then I think this is my one day off and I'm not going to do ANYTHING?! how lame is that??
so what do I do? I sit around thinking just that for a couple of hours and then decide I should DO SOMETHING. anything! so I do laundry (thrilling, I know). and then I go over to my sister's house and hang out and play with her dog and we agonize (her not me) what paint to use in the kitchen. and then we go to lowe's and agonize some more. and we wait out the really bad storm and go back and forth and back and forth and we even go to the kitchen section to compare it with a similar countertop. and then we decide we should watch a movie because what else do you do when it's raining?? so we rent eat, pray, love and I'm suddenly wanting to go to italy and learn italian from an attractive guy and eat lots of good food. after that, I eat my own (lame) dinner with my parents (I wanted italian! obviously), do more laundry, watch the middle with my parents and eat popcorn that my dad made (and he makes the best popcorn. his words, not mine). and then I go to bed.
and that ladies and gentlemen is my very exciting day off. I told you. I don't know what to do with myself.
I need a hobby.
(preferably one other than shopping. that's already my hobby. and I'm good at it. too good.)

a few photos my sister snapped of me and patch. in memory of my exciting but not so exciting day off. he's such a cutie.

random thoughts after a long day

I worked 12 hours today. I CHOSE to work 12 hours.

you might think I'm insane. that may be true.

but now my feet regret it. a lot.

I ate too many sweets today. I blame my manager. she bought me cookies.

I really need to clean my room.

and do laundry. because I may or may not be wearing dirty pants.

I love the song real world by rob thomas.

I'm also currently loving the old smashmouth songs and I have no idea why.

I ate sushi again for lunch. I love sushi but why oh WHY does it have to be so expensive??

it's 11:11. I wish for the same thing every time. and have been for years.

I really love the hunger games series. a lot.

I'm SO happy that I get to sleep in tomorrow.

that's all.

p.s. I forgot to add in my last post that my mom got me another gift that same day. a copy of one of the best movies ever. because everyone should have one.

things that make a bad day better

if I'm honest, it's not really a bad day. a bad day would probably have to consist of something really terrible happening and nothing of the sort happened. but coming back from fun trip to reality as well as a mess is no fun. and being tired on top of that just doesn't help. needless to say, the past few hours have not been my finest. even an invitation from my mom to go to sonic didn't really lift my spirits. but I went in hopes that a cherry limeade would turn me around. and while I'm still tired, doing something fun to delay reality a little longer helped. because sonic+a cute dog just cannot NOT make you smile.

because my life is exciting now.

sooo. I've had this blog for two years now and it doesn't have a single post on it. why? because I was waiting. waiting for my life to become exciting. (how lame does that sound??) I was waiting until I moved away from my family to a big city or something because then? then I'd have a reason to blog. so that they could see what I was doing. and because then my life would probably be more interesting...? that makes sense right? yeah I didn't think so either. so then I said, hey. why not blog now? so here I am. with my little blog. because I realize that my life, while I think it's pretty mundane, is also pretty fun. it's exciting now.

p.s. it's also a fun way to document my summer, which I like. so get ready because here. we. go.

(edisto 2008)